A Learning Curve

I haven't posted in a long time. The oh-so-typical truth is that I've had crazy amounts of school to do. College is hard, guys. But I didn't come here to complain. I came here to say something that is, for once, serious and a bit painfully honest.

Most of my posts in the past have been things that make me laugh, or drive me crazy, or the generic, "Hey, I haven't posted in awhile, I should say something" things.

This is different. Like I said, I haven't had much time lately. I thought about just giving up on the whole blogging thing because I have zero time. But then I decided it didn't matter how often I posted, or how many people read it, or anything like that. As long as I enjoy doing it, there's no reason not to, unless I have homework.

But that's also not the point.

What I'm trying to say is: I'm learning.

You're probably thinking, "Well, duh! You're in school!" This is true. And I AM learning. About how to write bibliographies correctly, about the Cold War, world economics, and all kinds of other things.

That's not what I meant, though. I'm learning about myself. I'm learning who the heck I am. Or, more correctly, that I have absolutely no idea what the answer to that question is. It's like, I went through high school pretty confident in who I was, and then in senior year, I got a taste of what change would do to me, but I didn't really think much of it. I didn't think much about anything but graduation for the entire second half of that year. :) Then college hit. And all of a sudden I didn't know how to answer that question.

So many questions that I never had to ask before (like "How do you study for tests?) and things I've never had to think about. But even beyond those things, world issues, school issues, have been other things.

When did I start caring so much what other people think?

When did guys become interesting to me?

When did my mom stop being able to solve every problem that exists?

When did my dad stop being the most perfect man in existence?

How do I interact with my parents now that I'm becoming an almost-adult?

How do I handle the changes in relationships with my friends?

Who the heck am I??

I don't know the answers to those questions.

It's a learning curve.

That's what one friend, who's a few years older than me said once when I was talking to her about one of those questions. It's a learning curve. You have to learn. That sounds painfully obvious, but it's so true. She and another friend have told me that multiple times in different words. That growing up is hard, that you have to learn, that your parents don't know what they're doing either.

Thinking about this the past few days, I've realized something.

I don't know who I am yet. I don't know who I will be when I graduate. Or even in just a year.

But there are some things I do know.

I am saved. Even if I struggle 99% of the time. Even if I doubt, (which isn't thinking on that which is true anyways).

I have a Bible. And I know how to read. I have great teachers at church, and I have friends with a better understanding than me that I can go to for help.

I have been blessed with friends who are older than me and who can help me through the struggles. They'll tell me that college is hard, and growing up is confusing, and they'll answer my questions, and give me a hug when I need it.

I'm not trying to be super optimistic or something, like all those inspirational pins you see on pinterest. This is real. Those questions, those are the things that keep me awake at night. Those are the things that make me want to cry. The fact that I don't know myself terrifies me. But then I remember the facts, and I think that at least I don't have to do it alone. I might still die a little, but at least I won't be facing it entirely alone.

Now, do me a favor, and go start a land war in Asia.

Robin